Do-doo-doo-do-do
- Billy Dilley - We're subterranean
- Billy Dilley - You're such a brainy kid
- Billy Dilley - It's fascinating how
- Billy Dilley - It's complicated now
- Billy Dilley - Situation critical
- Billy Dilley - I hope it's fixable
- Billy Dilley - Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Billy Dilley
BILLY: (GRUNTS)
BILLY: (CONTINUES GRUNTING)
Silly Billy Dilley.
You're supposed to pump up your beach bod before summer.
I'm not pumping up, Marsh.
Well, whatever you're doing, do it later. Summer vacation is over.
And as much as I've enjoyed living 3,000 miles
beneath the Earth's crust, I am itching to go home.
Speaking of going home, are you sure the Cheeserator
- will make it all the way to the surface? - (INSECT SQUEAKS)
This energy crystal I found
will power the Cheeserator to the sun and back. (GRUNTS)
BILLY: I just have to continue charging it.
Well, could you hurry? I'd like to be charging myself up
with some orange chicken chow mein
- on the surface by lunchtime. - BILLY: (GRUNTS)
Zeke, charging the crystal must not be rushed.
BILLY: (GRUNTS) Every gentle gesture is calibrated
to not overload its crystalline structure.
- What happens when it's overloaded? - I don't know. Probably nothing.
- (BOTH GASP) - But I don't ever wanna find out.
Well, we're all packed.
So, as soon as you're done with those weird calisthenics,
we can all skedaddle back up to the surface.
- (METAL CLANGS) - Skedaddle? We can't leave yet.
BOTH: Why not?
'Cause I invited all our friends over for a good-bye party. (SHRIEKS)
- (THUD) - Did he say good-bye party?
The only thing I'd like to say good-bye to is the last sip of this soda.
- ZEKE: (SLURPS) Huh? - (ANAXIMANDER BURPING)
Good-bye, rocks.
Good-bye, blades of grass.
Good-bye, stalagmites.
Here's a party favor.
BILLY: (SOBS)
- BILLY: (SIGHS) Time to face the sorrow. - (DISTANT LAUGHTER)
How ironic that the sound of crying can sound so much like laughter.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Huh?
(CHATTERING CONTINUES)
- So, I run into a group of gorks. - Count Wretcher.
- And so I says to them... - Count Wretcher.
- ...on no uncertain terms. - Count Wretcher.
- Can you expect me... - Count Wretcher.
- What is it, Billy?
What... what's going on here?
It's your party, Billy. You know, fun.
- But this was supposed to be... - Billy, lighten up. Have some punch.
Let's see, where was I? Oh, yes. (MURMURS)
Punch?
Having fun, Billy? (HONKS PARTY HORN)
Actually, I'm a little confused. Why is everyone having such a good time?
GORKAGER: (LAUGHS) This guy.
- GORKAGER: (LAUGHS) - (BILLY GRUNTS)
(CROWD CHEERS)
You really know how to throw a party, Billy.
BILLY: (GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
I think some of you don't understand.
BILLY: (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) This is a good-bye party...
(LETHARGICALLY) ...not a good-bye party.
- ALL: (LAUGH) - (BALLOONS BURSTING)
It's not funny!
Yucky?
Uh, does that mean there's not gonna be any cake?
Cake? (GRUNTS)
- I'm outta here! - GUESTS: (MURMUR)
- COUNT WRETCHER: Was it something I said? - GORKAGER: Sensitive much?
BILLY: (SOBS LOUDLY)
Good-bye forever.
BILLY: (SOBS LOUDLY)
Billy, do you think you should be charging the crystal when you're this emotional?
Do I look emotional to you?
And charge! Uh... (GRUNTS IN AGONY)
(BEEPING)
BILLY: (GRUNTS)
BOTH: Billy, calm down!
- (MACHINE BEEPS) - BILLY: (GRUNTING IN AGONY)
(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)
CAPTAIN: Lieutenant, let's have a full status report
on the current mission.
LIEUTENANT: Uh, it says here the search for the object
has returned, uh, zero results.
Uh, I've been doing this too long.
LIEUTENANT: Captain, if you'd like, I can keep the sensors engaged
- throughout the night. - Oh, what's the use?
CAPTAIN: Might as well begin self-destruct sequence now.
COMPUTER: Self-destruct in five, four,
- three, two, one. - BOTH: (SHUDDER)
LIEUTENANT: Captain, wait. The object appears to be located
beneath the surface of that tiny planet.
Who would've known the object we've been searching
thousands of years for, would be buried in such a pitiful dump?
Set coordinates for that miserable excuse of a space rock.
(SPACESHIP ENGINE REVS)
ALL: (GASP)
- MARSHA: (YELPS) - BILLY: (SHUDDERS)
We're trapped.
ALL: Hi-ya!
Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
DALE: Be still, you vile beasts. All right, listen up, vermin of Earth.
You are all now our captive servants.
ALL: Servants?
See, I told you probably nothing would happen. (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
This is all your doing, Billy.
Getting emotional and charging that crystal
summoned these evil alien robots.
Come on, Marsha. We don't know for sure they came here for the crystal.
LIEUTENANT: All right, captain, we got what we came for.
Talking about the crystal.
Okay, but we don't know for sure
that my being emotional had anything to do with it.
Thank goodness whoever was charging this was emotional,
- or we never would've found it. (LAUGHS) - BILLY: Oh!
Well, at least they aren't making us look for more crystals
by, say, I don't know, smashing rocks with hammers forever.
- That's a great idea. What he said! - (WHIP CRACKLES)
ALL: (GRUMBLE)
So much for my orange chicken chow mein.
Oh, curse you, Billy.
How am I to work under these oppressive conditions?
- Thurston, smash my rock faster. - THURSTON: (GRUNTS) Yes, Master.
(WHIP CRACKS)
GUMBRUMP: (GRUNTS)
Gumbrump, you and I have never done a legitimate
day's work in our lives.
And we're not about to start now.
ZARTRAN: (GRUNTING)
- We aren't? - Run! (GRUNTS)
- ZARTRAN: Run! - Runners!
ZARTRAN: (PANTS, GRUNTS)
BOTH: (SHRIEK)
BILLY: (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) You know what's really fun?
After you break the big rocks with the big hammers,
you break the tiny rocks with the tiny hammers.
BILLY: (GIGGLES, STAMMERS)
I was a king before I met you, Billy Dilley.
Well, at least we all get to be together as friends.
COUNT WRETCHER: Friends?
Because of you, not only have we been imprisoned,
and hit with electrical whips,
but you also said some really mean things.
Yeah. When are you gonna get it through your thick...
- Curly... - Red...
Flaky...
- Musty... - Yucky...
- Pleasantly shiny... - Greasy...
Wretched mop of yours.
ALL: We are not your friends, Billy Dilley!
Go away forever!
Okay. You guys obviously need a cool-down period.
We'll all be having a good laugh over this soon. You'll see.
- ALL: (GROWLING) - (HORN HONKS)
Lunch time. Come get some prison slop.
We haven't had a meal that good in weeks.
BOTH: (CHOMPING)
BILLY: (SLURPS) Eh. Could use a little salt.
Salt? This is a prison yard, not your granny's favorite restaurant!
- Uh, how about some cracked pepper, then? - Very good, sir. Say when.
(PEPPER CRUSHING)
Little more.
Little more. Hey, wait, that's too much.
BOTH: (SNEEZE)
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) - DALE: (GRUNTS)
Looks like Dale sneezed and got himself blown up again.
Well, put him back together.
Not now. I gotta cover for him at the prison slop cart.
Don't look at me. I gotta start on the prisoners' laundry.
Fine. We'll do it later.
- Fine. Fine. Fine! - Fine. Fine!
- DAVE: Sorry, Dale! - (CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Guys, look. There's a hole in the wall.
- Billy, this is incredible luck. - Yeah, you're right.
Now we can go tell the robots to patch it up before someone escapes.
- No, Billy. - Don't you see? This is our chance.
What are we doing back here?
- ALL: (STAMMER) - We were waiting for you.
Yeah. These undies need to get to the laundry unit pronto.
Got it! Fresh stinkies comin' through.
Don't worry, Billy. I always wear two pairs.
ROBOT: Stop!
- Wait. - Come on, Billy. It's time to go home.
But what about our friends? We can't just leave them there,
forced to work for those alien, robot overlords.
Uh, I can.
- But they're our friends. - They're not your friends, Billy.
Yeah, didn't you hear what they said about your hair?
Sometimes friends will say mean things about your hair, but does that mean
we can just leave these friends in their time of need forever?
They all just said to you, quote, "We are not your friends, Billy Dilley."
Sure, doubters will doubt the bonds of friendship,
but friendship is forever-ship.
Zeke, Marsha, until we rescue our friends,
we are going nowhere.
You're right about that. We're not going anywhere without that energy crystal.
LIEUTENANT: The crystal.
As requested, my liege.
EVIL BILLY: Oh, so sparkly! (LAUGHS)
EVIL BILLY: (CONTINUES LAUGHING)
ZEKE: (WHISPERS) So, how do we get in?
Maybe we can undo these screws, and deactivate the energy fence.
Hey, we can use my Turbo Tune Twister.
- Your what? - It's the screwdriver
that's also a music box.
I've been saving it for a special occasion.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
ZEKE: (WHISPERS) Billy, will you turn that thing off?
- Zeke, keep it down. - (MUSIC STOPS)
We don't want them to hear us.
Actually, I'm starting to wish they would.
Yeah, Billy, even if we do get in,
I just can't see how we're gonna get past all those robots.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - We use that robot helmet as a disguise?
No, Zeke, I was thinking about how much taller I've gotten
since we first got to Subterranea-Tania.
ZEKE: (GROANS)
- COUNT WRETCHER: (SIGHS) - (DOOR OPENS)
- ALL: (GASP) - Yucky!
Hey, guys, it's us.
ALL: (GRUMBLE)
- We're here to rescue all of you. - ALL: (CHEER)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (MACHINE TICKS)
- Good night, Dave. - Good night, Donnie.
- BILLY: (AS DALE) Good night, Dave. - DAVE: Good night...
Dale.
- We did it! - ALL: We're free!
See, I told you it would be a... Oh!
(SPACESHIPS HUMMING)
- (WHIP CRACKS) - TROGGIES: (GRUNT)
ALL: (GRUNT)
ALL: (GASP)
You've really, really made a mess of things
this time, Billy Dilley.
- There's so many. - What are we supposed to do now?
We fight.
ALL: What?
- He's kidding, right? - Yucky.
Yucky's right. We may have escaped,
but our friends are down there in those cages,
so we fight until we are all free.
Hold it. I'm the war monger around here.
The invaders are many, and they are strong.
We are few, and weak of sword and spirit.
ALL: Yeah, that's right.
- I say we run for our lives. - GUMBRUMP: (GIGGLES)
We know several good hideouts we could stay in.
True, we could run, and live the rest of our days in hiding.
- All right, let's go. - But I, for one,
would trade one hundred years of living in fear,
for one minute of fighting for our friends' freedom!
ALL: (CHEER)
We are few, and we are weak of sword,
- but of spirit... - ALL: Nay!
We are stronger than any extraterrestrial force of evil
that I may or may not have summoned here. So, are we few?
ALL: Yeah!
- Are we weak? - ALL: Yeah!
- Then let's go free Subterranea-Tania! - ALL: (CHEER)
BILLY: (HOOTS, SHRIEKS)
ALL: (SCREAMING)
One, two, three, four Five, six, seven, eight
Dizzy in the head Spinning like a milkshake
Nine, ten, eleven and twelve
All around the clock, you never can tell
Hey, hey, hey, hey What's with these kids today?
- TROGGIE: (HOOTS) - Talk a lot they got nothing to say
Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey
What's with these kids today?
Talk a lot They got nothing to say
Hey, hey, hey, hey
(PTERODACTYL SCREAMS)
(ROBOT GRUNTS IN AGONY)
No, wait. (GRUNTS)
Eat sludge!
One, two, three, four Five, six, seven, eight
Dizzy in the head Spinning like a milkshake
Oh, yes! Now it's time to kick some robot... (GRUNTS)
Hey, hey, hey, hey What's with these kids today?
- COUNT WRETCHER: (GROANS) - Talk a lot they got nothing to say
Hey, hey, hey, hey
BOTH: (SCREAM)
- Huh? - What?
- We did it! - ALL: (CHEER)
- (SIREN BLARING) - GORKAGER: Huh?
Huh? What the...
Who is responsible for this?
BILLY: (SHRIEKING)
BILLY: (GRUNTING IN AGONY)
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Hey, guys, what did I miss?
(MUFFLED YELLING)
- My friends are frozen. - My army is destroyed.
- Nice hat. - Nice crystal.
BOTH: (GASP)
BOTH: Thanks. Hmm.
Destroy him, my robots. Destroy them all.
Cowardly custard, can't cut the mustard.
- What did you just say? - Phony baloney eats macaroni. (GRUNTS)
EVIL BILLY: (GROWLS, CLEARS THROAT)
I'll take care of this one myself.
Invader, I win, you set us all free. You win, I come as your prisoner.
Earthling, you win, I set you all free. I win, you come as my prisoner.
Um, okay.
BOTH: (GRUNT)
BOTH: (GRUNT, SCREAM)
Well played.
- I tire of these games. - Let's finish it.
BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot.
Shoot... Three... Shoot... (GROAN)
(GROANING CONTINUES)
- Is that all you got? - Is that all you got?
Is that all you got?
BOTH: Is that all you...
BOTH: (SCREAM)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
BILLY: (PANTS) I win fair and square.
You have bested me, earthling.
I will release your friends, and go my way.
Phew! Battling evil sure packs a wallop.
- I'll say. - BILLY: (GRUNTS)
You cheated.
Clearly, I am superior in every way. What a fool you were to challenge me.
I was a fool, but you have a screw loose.
EVIL BILLY: (MOCKS) Oh, oh, oh! What is it you humans always say?
"Sticks and stones may break my..."
No, you really do have a screw loose. It's on the right side there.
Of course not, human. I am perfect in every way... Oh!
(CLINKS)
Don't worry. I'll fix it with my Turbo Tune Twister.
- Your what? - It's the screwdriver
that's also a music box.
- Here. I'll show you. - No, wait. What are you doing?
Hold on a second. The controls are a little finicky...
- BILLY: (SHRIEKS) My Turbo Tune Twister! - EVIL BILLY: You fool!
- What have you done? (SHRIEKS) - (TUNE TWISTER WHIRS)
(SHRIEKING CONTINUES)
BILLY: Zeke was right.
He told me this thing would break the first time I used it.
EVIL BILLY: (GRUNTS, SHRIEKS)
EVIL BILLY: (SHRIEKS)
(SPACESHIP CRASHES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
ALL: (CHEER)
- You did it. - Yeah, Billy. You beat him!
He was a worthy, handsome adversary.
- Ugh! Uh! - ALL: (GASP)
(SQUELCHES)
Ew. That's all right.
- We gotta destroy that thing. - CREATURE: (GRUNTS)
ALL: (CHANTING) Destroy it, destroy it!
- Wait! - ALL: Huh?
What gives us the right
- to destroy this creature? - (RETCHES)
Billy, that monster threw us all in prison, and decimated our planet.
Yeah, that thing's, like, bad news, man.
- He's just misunderstood. - CREATURE: (GRUNTS)
Every creature's fascinating, in its own way.
CREATURE: (SCREAMING) Huh?
If you just look close enough, everyone is beautiful.
Aw!
CREATURE: (EXHALES DEEPLY)
ALL: (GASP)
Oh, my gosh, Billy.
Subterranea-Tania is restored.
I guess there is beauty in everyone, bro.
Just look at this place.
- Hip, hip... - ALL: Billy!
So, you mean we're friends after all?
Billy, if you repeat this, I'll deny it.
But for a filthy, repulsive, surface dweller, you're okay.
ALL: (LAUGH)
You know, Billy, you don't have to leave.
ALL: (MUTTER)
I wish we could stay, but summer's over. Time to fire up that Cheeserator.
Well, there might be one small wrinkle in our plan, Billy.
- What's that, Zeke? - The Cheeserator's gone.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - BILLY: What?
(HORN HONKS)
OPERATOR: Welcome to Taco Shack. May I take your order?
I said you've got the wrong number For the right guy
I'll do the job for you Just pay the price
Run, run, run away
Baby, stick to the plan
Run, run, run away Catch me if you can